HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOAN!!!

A quick message to my best friend Loan, who is the other fucked up person co-hosting Chainsaw Cinema, because it's his birthday today, yaaaay! Here's a nice cake for him, and I hope you're having a great day Loan ^_____^!

Martyrs (2008)

Martyrs

IMDB rate: 7,1

Genre: Survival, Torture

Starring: Morjana Alaoui, Mylene Jampanoi, Catherine Begin

Martyrs is one of the most surprising movies I've seen in years, I've wanted to watch it for a long time, but I never came to it. I heard a lot about this movie, things like that it was just as shocking as A Serbian Film and that it was a movie that would be hard to watch. I was surprised that such a movie had a 7,1 score on IMDB, because torture and stuff is usually not a genre that gets high rates. 

Well, the movie, I think it was quite amazing. The 7,0 score on IMDB is definitely well deserved. But I'll have to admit that it was a different movie than I expected. I expected even more gore, cruelty and things like that. The movie is definitely not worse than A Serbian Film, even though Martyrs is called a torture porn, it's nothing like A Serbian Film. Yes, there is a lot of torture, but there is not any porn of some sort. Even though there is nudity, it's definitely not like A Serbian Film. I'm comparing these two a lot because A Serbian Film is in my opinion the most cruel movie ever made. And I think this one definitely comes on number 2 at the moment (I haven't seen any movies worse than these yet). So I think that's good comparing material. Don't get me wrong, the two movies have a whole different story and purpose, A Serbian Film is all based around torture porn and family, while Martyrs is about torture, revenge and the after-life. I hope I explained it right, because it might be a bit confusing the way I'm saying it ;).

Fifteen years after a horrifying experience of abduction and prolonged torture, Lucie embars on a bloody quest for revenge against her oppressors. Along with her childhood fried Anna, who also suffered abuse, she quickly descends, without hope, into madness and her own delusions. Anna, left on her own begins to re-experience what Lucie did when she was only twelve years old.

I think it's a good thing that I've waited a day before I wrote this review, because I had some thinking to do about the things that I didn't get. The puzzle pieces all fell to place and the movie seemed a lot clearer. I think it's a good idea to watch this movie again, because there are still some small things that I didn't get. But for now, I think it was an amazing movie.

The acting was incredible and convincing. Because it's a movie from France I didn't know any of the actresses/actors in it, but it might be possible that they are very famous in their country. The camera work in this movie is also amazing, it was shot exactly right. And the music was very suitable. At one point my boyfriend said that he didn't get why the movie was all nice and sweet while the girl was left tortured. But I thought it was amazingly chosen because right before that moment there was mentioned that she just had to let it go, instead of resisting everything that happened. So in that moment, she didn't care what happened anymore, and the music was emphasizing that.

This movie is absolutely not the torture that you've seen in Saw. This is worse, but on a different scale. Martyrs seems to be about torturing, but it haves a bigger purpose than that. In Saw you're feeling disgusted, and you're hoping that the people will get away, because you know the story. In Martyrs, you're also disgusted, but you're desperately waiting for the reasons behind it, and believe me that is a surprising story. The movie turns in a few seconds time from a torture gore flick into a sad and rather depressing reflection of human suffering. 

I had many feelings while I watched this movie. First I thought it would be some sort of Captivity. A girl locked in a room, growing old. I was wrong. After that, I thought it would be about the same girl, taking her revenge. I was wrong again. And after that, I was convinced that it was about the supernatural creature that follows the girl. And guess what? I was wrong again! My point is that the movie seems to be going many directions at first, and you don't know what the whole point of the movie is in the first half. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing, it was not bothering me because I kept wondering what the story will be about eventually. But I can understand that many people don't like these vague aspects of the movie. 

I think the movie is definitely underrated by many people. Maybe it isn't really surprising, because it's just not a movie for everybody. If you are going to watch this movie, bear in mind that there are many parts that might need a strong stomach to watch.

Movies like Saw and Hostel are torture on a whole different level than this movie, so don't think they are comparable. I'm not really sure what I can compare this movie with, so it's hard to say what movies are a bit a-like. 

I can only say that if you don't have a strong stomach, than this movie is not suitable for you. 

My personal rate: 8/10

Friday Night Screening: Sinister 2012

Sinister

The killing ‘meh’

Well, about time I review a recent horror movie, last one I did turned out to be about musical chairs, so let’s hope that this one has something resembling a storyline.

It might be easy to notice that I’m not that big of a fan of Hollywood and it’s money-whoring habits at the moment, sure there is some gold to be found while searching trough  pop artists who’s balls haven’t dropped yet and shitty teen drama romance that makes my gag reflexes strongly react to its sheer stupidity every time someone chooses for the sparkling twat.

But the gold is there, horror movies like Mama and even the Evil Dead remake (didn’t hate it, I’ll probably explain further my opinion someday, hold your pitchforks at bay people) give me hope that there is yet a chance that this storm that surrounds our movie theaters  will soon come to pass.

But where was I? Oh yeah, the highly praised “Sinister”, Scariest movie of 2012 and all other great talk, bout time I give that bad boy a watch.

“Totally not Jack Nicholson from the Shining” obsessed horror writer Ellison Oswalt decides that it would be a kick-ass idea for his children to grow up in a murder house, why? So he can write a book about the horrible murder of an entire family that happened not that long ago. A troubled probably alcoholic writer obsessed with getting his story no matter what? You sure Stephen King didn’t write this one? Unfortunately not, but moving on. A strange box keeps appearing in the house bearing a strange collection of 8mm films, our dear buddy Oswalt decides to give it a watch and ends up strung along in a conspiracy about a demonic psychopath’s picnic and pool party with a very dark twist.

First thoughts about this movie? The atmosphere was okay, the characters two dimensional and the acting was bearable, and given there are some kid actors in this one, it’s quite the compliment.

But did it make me soil my panties and run in fear screaming like a little b*tch? Seeing as that my neighbors haven’t yet called the cops complaining about a maniac running down the street screaming something about the lead guitarist of Slipknot being out to get him, I’ll have to say ‘oh sweet mamma with a cherry on top hells no with a capital N.

Predictable cheap jump scares, running annoying little ghost brats and a (even more) psychotic Mick Thompson, come on guys, gotta try harder than that.

The story was okay I guess, the only real scare factor in this movie were the tapes, that sometimes are just plain disturbing, and that was great, it’s just a shame that the idea bucket ran out around halfway through the movie and they decided to go down in cliché avenue with a quick stop at Boreville.

I’m perhaps being a little too rough with Sinister, also seeing as it was partially written by another internet critic C. Robert Cargill from Spill it should be at least able to avoid the common horror clichés, But for a movie as praised as this one, it’s unforgiving, It didn’t really bring anything new to the table, and even though the video viewing parts were great and grainy, and the twist at the end was pretty obvious but still enjoyable, it didn’t raise the bar or even tried to.

Overall not really a bad movie, but the constant praise were highly exaggerated and left me with only one word in my mouth, Mhe…

Things I’ve learned from “Sinister”:

- Possibly the best missed opportunity for a “I heard the pool party kinda died after I went home” joke

- Painting on the wall is cute and all, until the axe comes into play.

- How to mow your lawn like a OH GOD WTF WAS THAT??

- Always watch the last parts of a video


                                                                  Personal rating: 6

Critical rating: 6.5

DOUBLE REVIEW: The Descent (2005) / The Descent 2 (2009)

The Descent

IMDB rate: 7,3

Genre: Monster, Survival

Starring: Shauna Macdonald, Natalie Mendoza, Alex Reid

I've seen this movies a couple of times already, and while I wasn't too crazy about it at first, I must say that it started to grow on me. It's quite a decent horror movie, even though I thought most of the movie was too dark, the girls were too loud and stuff like that. But besides that, it's quite a nice movie. Scary as well ;).

After a tragic accident, six friends reunite for a caving expedition. Their adventure soon goes horribly wrong when a collapse traps them deep underground and they find themselves  pursued by bloodthirsty creatures. As their friendships deteriorate, they find themselves in a desperate struggle to survive the creatures and each other.

The acting in the movie is decent but there was one person that bothered me endless; Saskia Mulder. She's from The Netherlands and she has a horrible english accent, which is very bothering I think. I also come from The Netherlands and I know from experience that almost everybody here has a horrible accent (of course not everybody, for example, Famke Janssen, Rutger Hauer and Carice van Houten). Not a big deal, but when hearing it in a movie it's very annoying.

What I also found annoying was the fact that three of the six females in this movie look a lot like each other, they are all blond and tall which makes it very hard to separate them from each other in a dark movie like this one. The movie itself is also quite confusing because it's in the dark, this is not the worst thing because it's logical in a movie like this. But when the main characters resemble each other a lot, it gets really difficult to follow.

The girls are really badass and it's a nice touch that the movie only contains girls. This makes it differ a lot from the standard movies. But the bad thing with a girl movie, girls scream a lot, they argue a lot and they have really high voices. A bit unpleasant at times.

The creatures are what I really liked in this movie. They are really scary. Especially the first time you see them clearly, it scared me shitless.

I think many people will like this movie, I personally did not enjoy it so much the first few times, but it isn't too bad. I thought the acting was decent with exception of one person. The monsters are really scary but the movie itself is kinda confusing sometimes. 

My personal rate: 6/10

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The Descent 2

IMDB rate: 5,8

Genre: Monster, Survival

Starring: Shauna Macdonald, Natalie Mendoza, Douglas Hodge

The Descent 2, while the first movie was reasonable I wasn't too much of a fan of this movie. It's unbelievable in many ways, the concept just isn't fresh anymore and well, it was just very annoying at moments. I did like it though when a familiar face showed up...

Distraught, confused, and half-wild with fear, Sarah Carter emerges alone from the Appalachian cave system where she encountered unspeakable terrors. Unable to plausibly explain to the authorities what happened - or why she's covered in her friends' blood - Sarah is forced back to the subterranean depths to help locate her five missing companions. As the rescue party drive deeper into uncharted caverns, nightmarish visions of the recent past begin to haunt Sarah and she starts to realize the full horror and futility of the mission. Subjected to the suspicion and mistrusts of the group and confronted once more by the inbred, feral and savagely ruthless Crawlers, Sarah must draw on all her inner reserves of strength and courage in a desperate final struggle for deliverance and redemption.

The movie is very unbelievable. It's plays two days after the previous movie and Sarah is found. They bring her to the hospital where she is in a huge shock and remembers nothing. Because the rest is trying to save the other girls Sarah is forced to go into the cave again with the rescuers. Here is where the unbelievable part starts, because a woman that's in shock because of a huge climbing accident is not able to go hiking once again, after two days. Not only is it unreal to take her back to the place of the accident that fast, it's also unreal because she's in a huge shock. Also, there are only 3 real hikers and two cops with her. No medical assistants for the case if they find someone alive, no weapons for defense (besides a gun, very smart in a cave). Also, they did not even interrogate Sarah, they immediately took her to the cave, while they did not know what happened in the cave. The girl could have killed everyone, and it might even be the case that they took a psychopath with them. 

A scene that I liked was when the mouse crawled out of Rebecca's mouth, it made her look alive. It's also cool that they used the same actress again. The special effects don't look as good as in the first movie, the creatures looked a bit different but that might be because of the lightning. But the creatures are still scary as fuck! There are definitely a lot more jump scares.

The plot is a bit useless, only a rescue action that goes wrong. You know exactly what will happen so it's very predictable. The sheriff is a very annoying character, who will handcuff someone in a cave? It's so unrealistic. Also a very light woman makes the rocks creak, who will ever come to the idea to walk over the rock with two people at the same time? The handcuffs are so useless and makes the movie very annoying.

The ending is a bit weak, it gives the option for another sequel which is definitely not necessary. 

Not an excellent movie. The first part is a lot better and this movie is very useless. The acting is not very special and there are some annoying characters in it. I don't recommend watching this movie, the first one is a lot better.

My personal rate: 4,5/10

Friday Night Screening: Jack in the Box 2008

Jack In The Box

‘Musical Chair Of Death’ , let’s hope they don’t try ‘Twister Of Torments’ next.

I’m not kidding, that’s actually a thing, you take a kids game, and with enough meth and absinth you can come up with a horror movie about that game. After such stupidities as ‘Battleship’ I really thought we had hit rock bottom when it comes to movie ideas, but nope, as always, I was wrong. People, I give you jigsaw’s version of the musical chairs: Jack In The Box.

Now, what has this 2008 horror movie to do with the title? A 30 seconds scene at the beginning of some woman who we’ll never see again giving her demonic child a jack in the box. Yup, that’s it, nothing else. So what is this movie really about? Musical chair! But wait, it’s musical chair from HELL!

Six unlucky wannabe actors find themselves stuck in a basement thinking they were going to an audition, with a dirty hobo who only talks in riddles an rhymes and seems to have lost his marbles. The six prisoners (who have the same name as their actors, that’s either genius or just laziness) quickly discover they are in the game of their lives when the music starts playing from a ‘Felix the cat’ clock on the wall and the hobo shows them that they have to play the musical chairs with him.  

The loser gets the consolation prize of slow agonizing death (joy) and it becomes a tension building horror as they wait for the music to play again.

With movies like these, where the protagonists are stuck the entire movie in the same room, the whole thing needs to rely heavily on dialogue. What’s the main problem with Jack In The Box? The dialogue isn’t that great. You can tell the writers were really trying, but they just weren’t that good. No character has an interesting story to tell. There wasn’t a single memorable line in this entire movie, ok except “someone’s gonna sh8t some splinters…”, that one was pretty hilarious, only for the fact that they actually try to make it sound badass. I won’t give this movie too much sh8t, because writing dialogue is one of the hardest things to do with a movie, let alone one where the dialogue is the only thing driving the movie. However, choosing to do so was still a stupid idea, points for trying, sure, but it doesn’t make the movie any better. It doesn’t help either that they killed off my favorite as second, still kind of pissed about that.

Although, one interesting aspect of this movie is that it is shot in real time…ish, kinda. Every ten minutes the creepy Felix clock decides to drop some sick beats and our unfortunate heroes have to dance for their lives, which means ten minutes of exposition every time someone gets offed, great….

It wouldn’t be so bad that the dialogue isn’t worth much if the actors would give it their all, which they really don’t. Most of them sound tired or like if they rather be in a much better movie

The story is a complete mess also, if you thought for even one second you’ll get answers at some point in this movie, then I’m sorry for you. The movie drops hints here and there of possible connections between the victims of the identity of their captor, but seems to quickly forget how to tell a story and goes back to pointless expositions about the characters backstories that has nothing to do with anything.

Yet…I don’t hate it.

I know, I know, it’s badly acted and the story is beyond stupid, not to mention it bit off way more than it could chew. But I still felt the need to keep watching to see who would survive. It’s no torture porn like Saw, there’s barely any blood in it, which is pretty interesting on its own.

So yeah, not a great movie by any means, stupid as hell premise, but it didn’t bore me and I didn’t hate it as much as I should have.

But seriously, what’s next? Spin the bottle and die? Hungry Hungry Psycho’s? Truth or death? BattleGhostShip? Tag with knives? What the hell guys?

Things I’ve learned from Jack in the Box:

- Next time a friend invites you to play scrabbles, bring a effin gun.

- When William White tries to sound angry, he totally goes Solid Snake on us.

- This isn’t really something I’ve learned, but why didn’t they just stay seated? I mean, one guy does it and he isn’t disqualified or anything, hell, he even survives that round. As for that matter, why did they give away a chair every time someone lost? It’s not like they have to, just push the hobo in a corner or knock his ass out, and stay seated with the six of you until the end. It just seemed kind of…you know, pointless?

Personal rating: 5.2

Critical rating: 4.5

DOUBLE REVIEW: I Spit on Your Grave (2010) / I Spit on Your Grave 2 (2013)

I Spit on Your Grave

IMDB rate: 6,2

Genre: Torture, Revenge

Starring: Sarah Butler, Jeff Branson, Andrew Howard

I've never seen the original movie, Day of the Woman, but I actually quite liked this on. It's very brutal and isn't afraid to show some details. I think it resembles the movie The Last House on the Left a lot, but I Spit on Your Grave is even more brutal. It's definitely not a movie for everyone since it's very violent but it think there are quite some horror lovers out there that enjoyed watching this movie. I personally thought it was a very cool movie, the perfect revenge comes from an innocent girl and she really kicked her assaulters asses (sometimes literally). 

Writer Jennifer Hills takes a retreat from the city to a charming cabin in the woods to start on her next book. But Jennifer's presence in the small town attracts the attention of a few morally depraved locals who set out one night to teach this city girl a lesson. They break into her cabin to scare her. However, what starts out as terrifying acts of humiliation and intimidation, quickly and uncontrollably escalates into a night of psychical abuse and torturous assault. But before they can kill her, Jennifer sacrifices her broken and beaten body to a raging river that washes her away. As time passes, the men slowly stop searching for her body and try to go back to life as usual. But that isn't about to happen. Against all odds, Jennifer Hills survived her ordeal. Now, with hell bent vengeance, Jennifer's sole purpose is to turn the tables on these animals and to inflict them every horrifying and torturous moment they carried out on her... only much, much worse.

I really really enjoyed watching this movie. It was simply awesome because the girl was kick-ass. It was definitely not what I expected from it, since I expected that I bought another shit movie. But luckily, I was so wrong! I like seeing that a woman can defend herself, instead of always being the useless victim in a movie. She might have started as an useless victim but that changed a lot. 

I like that this movie is not afraid to show things. The girl is assaulted in many brutal ways and this is very much visible. Definitely not a movie for everybody. 

The thing what I liked most was the way she took her revenge. One called her a horse all the time, she let him be the horse. Another one never did anything and only watched, this time she let him watch. One is always busy with his appearance, and she makes his appearance very unflattering. And then the biggest revenge; ruining the life of an innocent girl, just like they did with her. Simply brilliant.

The acting is magnificent, very real and believable. I did think it was a bit strange seeing Daniel Franzese in a movie like this since I only know him as Damian in Mean Girls. Believe me when I say that this role is very different from that one! Not that that matters much, but it was just something I noticed.

I absolutely recommend watching I Spit on Your Grave. I think it was very surprising and absolutely not what I expected from it. It was brutal, sadistic and cruel. I thought it was absolutely brilliant. Expect the worst from it, because that's what you will get. I do not recommend watching this movie for those with a weaker stomach. Or if you're not much into gore, blood and violence; do not watch this! Definitely a great revenge movie ;D. 

My personal rate: 7,5/10

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I Spit on Your Grave 2

IMDB rate: 5,7

Genre: Torture, Revenge

Starring: Jemma Dallender, Joe Absolom, Mary Stockley

I Spit on Your Grave 2, another great revenge/torture movie. I must admit that I quite like these type of movies, they're cruel, gruesome, but so badass as well. I quite liked watching this movie, although I must say that it's not as good as the first part. Again, I still haven't seen any of the original movies, so can't say a whole lot about them. But when I've finally watched it, I'll write a review about it and I will compare all the movies.

Katie is trying to make it in the cutthroat world of modeling. When she innocently accepts an offer to have new photos taken for her portfolio, the experience quickly turns into an unthinkable nightmare of rape, torture and kidnapping. When a twist of fate finally frees her from her captors - beaten, battered, bruised, and broken, she will have to tap into the darkest places of the human psyche to not only survive her ordeal, but to ultimately find the strength to exact her brutal revenge.

Okay first of all, I'm from Europe and these movies are making me terrified about ever going to Eastern-Europe again. Watching all these movies (A Serbian Film, Hostel, Train) is absolutely not good for a countries good name. I mean, basically if you're watching a horror movie and there's someone from Eastern-Europe in it, you better start fucking running because there's no way that nothing is going to happen. 

What I really liked about this movie was the beginning. In every horror movie there are annoying scenes where a girl doesn't scream or doesn't try to run or something, that didn't happen in this movie. The girl immediately starts screaming when she figured something was wrong, she took a taser gun and instead of just treating that she's going to use it, she actually starts using it immediately. Even though she has three locks on her door, she managed to escape her room but unfortunately she got caught by her molester. In this time she was able to scream, and guess what? Somebody heard her and tried rescuing her! That didn't go well, but still, three horror cliches weren't used! I loved it!

The thing with these I Spit on Your Grave movies is that we've seen the previous parts already. Meaning that we know that a girl will be attacked and she will survive that, and then she will have a very brutal revenge. So the mystery of it isn't really there anymore. Nevertheless, the revenge scenes are always very tasteful and very amusing to watch. 

What I did not like a whole lot were the dialogues. So the first part of the movie is where the girl, Katie, is being raped and tortured. Her offenders say all these cliche things to her and that does not mind a whole lot, but eventually the roles are switched, meaning that Katie will attack her offenders. But to make things more brutal, she's saying the exact same things to them as what they said to her. Sure, I get the point of that, but after a while you can't help but think "I've all heard this a few times already, become a bit more original dude".

The acting was decent. Nothing special, but not terribly bad. Seeing Katie's crying and screaming face was a bit funny, so I had a bit trouble taking her seriously, but besides that her performance was good. The lightning was a bit poor at times. When she's buried under the ground we suddenly hear a lot of noise and suddenly she seems to be in a cave or something. I don't know but it seemed a bit random, especially because this cave led to people's living rooms. Perhaps the floor broke, I don't know but it was a bit of a weird and dark place.

The torturing scenes were again awesome, Georgie looking all infected and stuff, while Ivan's ball were smashed. All fun stuff to look at again.

Great movie, not as good as the first part, but certainly very enjoyable. A lot of brutal scenes that make you sick in your stomach and a lot of blood. Original deaths, and just look at this image above, how sick does his legs look? Brilliant.

I absolutely recommend watching this movie for fans of a bit more brutal movies. Believe me, it can be hard to watch at times. I thought it was worth it.

My personal rate: 7/10

Friday Night Screening: Friday the 13th 1980

Friday the 13th

Bacon’n switch

Yeah yeah, real cheesy. Posting a review of Friday the 13th on friday the 13th? Sue me.

In all honesty, I did want to review this movie for quite a while now, ever since I decided to review the whole Nightmare on Elm street saga, so that when I’ll get to the 8th installment, I would have some ground to stand on.

But if you read my review on the first Nightmare on Elm Street, you know I’m not really a fan of the first Friday the 13th, and since I couldn’t blackmail Mel to do it for me, guess I don’t really have much of a choice but to buck up and review this little movie where the tale of Jason began.

An old lake camp with a tragic past is opening again after years and a bunch of teenagers soon-to be counselors have a get-together to put the camp into shape. But as the days of fun and hard work go by, they slowly realize that they are not alone, and someone with one hell of a grudge decides to crash the party and takes the horny little bastards one by one, and even their Ned Flanders impersonator can´t save them.

stupid sexy flanders

So let´s get this out of the way, I don´t really like this movie. not because it´s a bad movie or anything, actually it´s a hell of a watch with a great twist to it, but because it´s not a good Friday the 13th movie.

So my disappointment came from what I expected from the sequels, exactly the same problem I had with Nightmare on Elm Street. When you think of Friday the 13^th, the very first thing that comes to mind is the machete wielding man-child zombie behemoth known as Jason Voorhees, and if you’ve watched this movie, or the first five minutes of scream, or literally any other slasher, you know why I’m disappointed.

But, let’s watch this movie in its own merit, let’s forget the sequels and imagine that we are the very first audience to watch this flick in 1980. What’s my opinion then? It’s amazing.

As a stand-alone movie, I adore it. The effects are great and campy, the acting is so over the top that it’s a miracle there’s any scenery left to chew when the killer is revealed and the story and the twist are pretty well thought up. And trust me that the last five minutes of the movie will have you jump in your seat.

As said before, the effects are great, why? Because it’s none other than Tom Savini’s handiwork, my favorite special effect expert of all times. There are also some pretty big names here, mainly a pre-career Kevin Bacon, and Betsy Palmer of all people. Even though she dismissed the movie and hated it for years, lately she had admitted that she saw it as a part of her life and she felt slightly proud to have worked on it.

So is this a good movie? Hell yeah. Is it a good Friday the 13^th movie? Not really. It’s amazing how far this franchise has stepped away from its source material, but somehow I think it was for the best, because I actually really like most of the sequels. So if you’re interested in finding out how Jason Voorhees began his rampage and bask in its glory, prepare to be disappointed. But as a stand-alone movie it’s still amazing and will leave you wanting for more

What I’ve learned from “Friday the 13^th”

- Weird how Kevin Bacon and Johnny Depp both seem to have the same gravity-defying blood.

- Nothing’s more menacing than slowly riding away on your wonky bicycle while spewing criptic nonsense

- Strip monopoly sounds like a pretty good idea actually…

- Tom Savini is a dick to snakes

Personal rating: 6/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Jason Voorhees


Kill Count so far: 
XD hahahaha


Best kill in this movie: 
lolnope.jpeg/


Best kill so far:
lolnope.jpeg/

A Serbian Film (2010)

A Serbian Film (Srpski Film)

IMDB rate: 5,3

Genre: Survival, Thriller, 

Starring: Srdjan Todorovic, Sergej Trifunovic

Let's start this review with saying that this is absolutely not a movie for people with a weak stomach. I think it's one of the most disturbing movies I've ever seen. And I know many people will disagree with me, but I think I actually somewhat liked the movie. It's definitely not the best movie I've ever seen, it's way too disturbing for that, but I don't think it was that bad at all. This is, if you can get through it.

There are a lot of gore movies, and the one movie is even more disturbing than the other, but I think A Serbian Film topped them all. I saw the movie once, and it was quite some time ago, I bought it, but I still can't get myself to seeing it again. Simply because the content of it is way too disturbing. Although it has been some time since I last saw it, I still remember almost everything, because you simply can't 'unsee' it.

As I already said, many people will disagree with me about liking this movie. But I'll explain why I liked it so much. The acting in this movie is incredible. Playing with this kind of content, and still acting like these actors is amazing. I almost thought it was all real, instead of a movie, it was just that good. The camera work was very impressive, a good dialogue, and some very disturbing scenes. There are about four scenes in this movie, that are unforgettable. There is a music playing in this movie, and every time you hear this music, or something that sounds like it, you'll think of these disturbing scenes.

The movie is about a retired porn star Milos, he is married with Marija and they have a little son together named Peter. The family is facing financial difficulties, but Milos get contacted by the porn actress Lejla that offers him a job opportunity in an art film. Milos is introduced to the direct Vukmir that offers a millionaire contract to Milos to act in a film. However, Vukmir neither show the screenplay nor tell the story to Milos. Milos discuss the proposal with Marija and he signs the contract. But sooner he finds that Vukmir and his crew are involved in sick snuff films of pedophilia, necrophilia and torture and there is no way back to him and maybe it's too late to protect his family.

I thought a lot about this movie, mainly because of the disturbing scenes, and it made me think that this movie is not only about the nasty scenes. It actually has a message. It had something to say about, money, art and mainly about family. How far are you willing to go for your family? And of course, this goes very far, mainly without the knowledge of Milos himself. But this movie says it all, only on a very other way than any other regular movie. 

This movie looked so real to me, that it made me uncomfortable. The gore effects are incredibly well made. And that's why it's hard to watch. It's almost a real found footage film.

I am not sure if I can recommend this movie, simply because it's more than that. If you're going to see this movie, you'll have to do this with an open mind. I think many people don't appreciate (which is understandable) the message of this movie. Also, you need to have an incredibly strong stomach when watching this, because it's not just another gore movie. This movie contains torture, pedophilia and necrophilia, a lot of sex and a lot of nastiness. Be aware of this when you start watching this, because there are a lot of scenes that you won't forget that easy.

My personal rate: 7/10

I think it's better if I don't put a trailer up for this movie ;).

Friday Night Screening: Robo-Geisha 2009

Robo-Geisha

Suck it 90’s ‘Tank Girl’, this is the real thing.

Well, about time I review another movie from my favorite country: Japan.  And yes, this movie is weird…Really ass-bugging-Stomp-on-the-face-and-drives-of-a-cliffs-only-to-pop-up-in-front-of-your-window-at-3-am-whispering-something-about-killer-turtles-while-you-only-wanted-a-glass-of-water weird.

Are you afraid? Well, you better be, cause here’s Robo-Geisha

Released in 2009 by Noboru Igushi , this proves my point that japan isn’t just crazy, it’s a new kind of crazy bred in a lab somewhere only to escape in nothing but a yellow mankini and slap people in the face with a dead fish.

Ever wondered what would happen if you mixed ‘The Terminator’ with ‘Memoirs Of A Geisha’ and ‘Godzilla’ and a whole lot of meth? Well, here’s your answer:

An ultra-violent weird and insane trip filled with out of place humor and nonsensical fight scenes between geisha’s and robots, ninja’s, giant robot castles and a nurse…for some reason.

What is this movie really about? Well, these kind of movies often don’t really have much of a story, the humor and value are based more on how much they can get away with. But with Robo-Geisha, there is surprisingly more story than needed. It tells the tale of two sisters, the elder being a geisha and the younger being pretty much Cinderella with major anger issues. Let’s just say they don’t get along, and it doesn’t help that this perfect young guy with a major bank account is more interested in the younger sister, Yoshi (yeah, I know, just roll with it). They both get invited to his company where we learned that he is an evil villain who wants to take over the world with his father and do evil stuff like stomping on puppies and laughing at sick kids and all that evil business.

Thus the two sisters are recruited to his army of cyborg Geisha assassins. And instead of saying:

 “eh, I know you’re pretty much Cruella from the 101 Dalmatian with slightly better hair and a penis and stuff, and I can roll with that, but I’m probably gonna go now because of the serious case of ‘dying’ that everyone in your company has been getting lately”, the two sisters decide to turn the whole thing into a competition, killing as many as possible, getting better upgrades and taking the physical abuse like a boss to eventually become ‘The Very Best’.

Well, the movie decides that this plot is getting old somewhere halfway through and Yoshi gets betrayed by the Asian Ken doll and his company and left for dead at the side of the road. But of course, an older Winry from FMA just happens to pass by and gives her sweet upgrades. Thus Yoshi, now armed with the lower body of a tank and enough fire power to blow up the whole country, decides to open a can of whoop ass of biblical scale on the bad guy’s HQ, which has now become a giant Godzilla robot and who is destroying random building…which are bleeding when destroyed, yeah, I don’t even…

You thought i was kiding, didn't ya?

This movie is simply amazing, not because it’s good or anything, but because it’s so bad, but on purpose , which makes it ok, right?

But all kidding aside, I loved this movie. Never did I find myself bored or not laughing, it managed to hit every single note perfectly, even if hitting said note perfectly required to have some of the worse effects I’ve seen in a while, which in my case only entertained me more.

The intention was to make a movie so ridiculous as possible and I’ll be damned if it isn’t one of the most ridiculous movie I’ve ever seen.

The only thing I can compare it to would be “Panty and Stocking with Gartenbelt”, the humor, pacing and ridiculousness is similar, but Robo-geisha takes it one step further in the ‘weird’ direction. Surprisingly, the story telling is also shockingly similar, teasing us with serious moments and drama, only to slap us in the face with an over the top nonsensical fight scene out of left field, as if the show and the movies were telling us: “yeah, we can to so much better than this, we could actually have a story, but f*ck that noise! Here’s a chick with tank wheels driving on the side of a building while playing a shamisen shooting lasers at a giant walking castle destroying the city”, and it works perfectly.

I spoke of the effects earlier, I think I didn’t do it justice when I said it was some of the worse I’ve seen in a while, cheap CGI bullets and blood that flies everywhere across the screen without rhyme or reason, pretty similar to the “Violent Shit” movies (in case you don’t know any of them, trust me when I say it’s pretty bad and in no way a compliment). The practical effects are over the top and works perfectly for the goofy tone this movie was going for, like some guy with shrimps shoved in his eyes or a man being hit so hard his head retracts back into his torso, you know, all the good stuff.

The dialogue…do I need to say anything else than an example early on in the movie where a man is told an assassin is going to kill his within three minutes:

- “Kill me in three minutes? Three minutes is as much time as you’ve taken a dump but you’ve still got like, faint bits of shit sort of smearing at the toilet, right?”

I rest my case.

I don’t know what’s worse, that this movie has everything from butt-shurikens to acid breast milk, or that I was laughing at every single immature joke this movie was throwing at me. Ah well, final verdict? If you like Japanese humor, give it a watch, and if you’re not familiar with Japanese humor, you might want to approaches  this one carefully but I still highly recommend it, only for the sheer ridiculousness and because it might be one of the most random thing you’ll ever see.

Things I’ve learned from ‘Robo-Geisha’:

- Ass-play is taken quite literally in this movie.

- Everyone in this movie went to the same target practice as the Star Wars storm troopers.

- Grandpa be packing heat.

- Ass-swords…really movie? You just had to push it didn’t ya?

Personal rating: 8,5/10

Critical rating: 4,5/10

MASSIVE REVIEW: The Saw Franchise

Hello people visiting Chainsaw Cinema,

I'm back after having some computer troubles and I want to apologize massively for having to put up with Loan for that long (just kidding). To make up for that fact I'm doing this massive review of every single Saw movie. There are 7 Saw movies meaning that this might become a very long post, to make things easier for everyone you can click on the link down below to expand the post.