Friday, 12 June 2015

Friday Night Screening: Teeth 2007

The return of the killer snatch

Come on…?! Another one??Again with the killer vaginas?
Yes, it would seem there aren’t enough movies to scare us to death about the female genitals, after “Killer Pussy”, someone thought it would be a great idea to get an American version over the sea, that guy would be Mitchell Lichtenstein and said movie would be no other that the 2007 "Teeth", because F8ck it, there can never be enough movies about killer vaginas.
Although, unlike it’s Japanese cousin “Killer Pussy”, which was a straight up goofy comedy soft core porno ( see my review on that infamous little mess here), I can give “Teeth” the credit for actually trying to tell a good story, despite the fact that it’s at its hearth still somewhat of a comedy

The story revolve around Dawn, a nice little high school girl with somewhat of an unusual problem.
She has vowed abstinence with her group of Glee rejects, oh, and her snatch has a nasty case of the munchies, and given that the damn thing has a pretty good set of teeth, I’m fairly certain this movie’s gonna get interesting.
Why does she have a set of razor sharp teeth in her privates? It’s never really explained, although the constant shots of the huge nuclear reactors behind her house might mean something, who knows?
So Dawn goes on with her poor little abstinent life with constant temptations and advances from her creepy half-brother. Yes, it seems the premise is not the only thing that Teeth shares with its predecessor, they also have a character in common, seems that Creeper from killer pussy has a long lost brother in America, who knew? Not kidding, they’re practically the same guys character-wise, except that we spend more time with the brother to realize how much of a d8ck he is.

So, personal thoughts on this movie? Surprisingly I liked it. Yeah, go figure, me liking a movie about killer genitals, who knew?
But seriously, if you can put the ridiculousness of the premise behind you, you’ll find a pretty subtle and good comedy/horror. The pace was pretty good, except for the first few scenes that talked about god and purity and bla bla bla, we’ll get to that later, but for the rest, pretty good.
The characters were far less two-dimensional that I expected and had actually emotions and were able to emote them without having it feeling forced. A scene where the acting and the dialogue really amazed me was in the third act of the movie, after the father and the son had a fight and end up talking, the tension and the dialogue were there, and it is a hearth touching scene where the brother, instead of being a major d8ck like usual, actually opens up despite being in utter and complete control of the situation, and we get a creepy and honest revelation to why his character is so tormented inside. It’s pretty amazing if a movie can make me feel sorry, even for a microsecond, for such a despicable and cruel character as American Creeper.
But for all the good this movie does in the second and third act, my god was the first one a drag.
Preachy as hell, just enough to make you wonder whether they were parodying the whole ‘purity ring’ and all that religious nonsense or if they were serious. Here the thing though: I don’t have a problem with people who want to wait until the wedding to give in, hell, if it makes them happy, go for it, see if I care. However, this whole purity ring campaign bullcr8p and the religious aspect just manage to press the wrong buttons with me. And throughout the entire movie, Dawn never seems to get rid of her anti sex t-shirt, now granted, it’s pretty ironic given her condition. But the first act doesn’t focus on that how so ever. So it’s pretty easy to forget the whole ‘Killer in the pants’ thing and just watch two hyper religious teens giving each other lovely eyes and talking about how awesome god is and how evil sex is, which really drags on and on and on and on…
Thankfully the accidental castrations break in like trumpets to a fanfare to welcome the second act, but until then, useless teenage drama, the worse kind. What I’m trying to say with this, is that being abstinent and believing in god is like having a d8ck, it’s great to have one and it’s great to be proud of it, but please, don’t shove it in our face, k?
The editing is also really weird, I know it’s a weird thing to bring up in a movie about a killer box, but it was one of those few things that really bugged me with this movie. Some scenes would go nowhere and characters would show up at places at random without any explanations.
But with all this aside, great movie, although it could have been a little less graphic on the castrations in my opinion, I’ve seen BME Pain Olympics, and I must say that Teeth wasn’t far off. Pretty painful to watch at some points even, might I add (for a guy).

"Killer pussy" 's creeper's long lost brother

So here’s the big question, which is better? “Teeth” or “Killer Pussy”?
Well “Teeth” is a ok movie that I genuinely enjoyed about a girl trying to find a way to overcome her problem, “Killer pussy” was bat sh8t insane and had me laughing my ass off for all the wrong reasons.
So which is better? Teeth. Which is funnier? “Killer pussy”. Pick your poison. All I’m afraid of is when the darn things will learn to talk, now THAT will be terrifying…(Obvious foreshadowing is obvious)

Things I’ve learned from “Teeth”:
- America is weird as f8ck
- I never want to be a gynecologist, it’s like the ‘Killer vagina movie’ equivalent to a black guy in a horror movie…
- Both Japanese and American creepers got the same resolutions in both movie…weird
- The line between being a hero and being a d8ck is very thin.

Personal rating:

Critical rating:


Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Bride of Chucky (1998)

Bride of Chucky 
IMDB rate: 5,2
Genre: Slasher, Comedic

To be honest, Bride of Chucky was the very first Chucky movie I've ever seen. Not so strange since I was not even born when the first three came out. For me this was how Chucky looked like but of course, at that time I had not seen Child's Play yet. I think Bride of Chucky is a funny movie. Not really scary but it's a nice movie to watch. It's not really good but for a comedic movie I think it's go-able (is that even a word?). Anyway, since I saw the first Child's Play movie I of course realized that that is the real Chucky and I liked Child's Play a lot more than Bride of Chucky. 

Serial killer Charles Lee Ray is back! This time his girlfriend Tiffany has revived him, once again in the form of the popular "Chucky" doll. Shortly after the "happy" couples reunion, Chucky kills her and brings her back in the form of a girl's bridal doll. The two then embark on a killing spree en route to dig up Ray's corpse, which was buried with a Satanic voodoo charm capable of bringing back the dead.

First of all, I've always liked the music in the Bride of Chucky and Seed of Chucky movies. It's very fitting for the movie I think. I also like the comedic twist on Chucky, you learn a lot more about his personality. Even though the movie is not very good I like watching it. I must admit though that I have seen the movie too much, so that's why I don't really enjoy it anymore. I do remember that I loved it the first time I watched it, mainly because I was terrified of dolls and a combination of comedy and something terrifying is kinda cool I guess. I'm not a big fan of Seed of Chucky though, it's not funny or scary and the Glen/Glenda doll is kinda lame. 

I like the references to other horror movies, Hellraiser, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and every other horror legend can be found somehow in this movie. I also liked Jennifer Tilly as Tiffany, her voice is annoying but also has something seducing. I don't know. She's not a very good actress but it's not very bothering in this movie, since it's not a very serious movie. 

I don't mind Chucky's look in the movie, it's very believable since the guy has been blown up/cut up or whatever for a million times already so it's logical he looks like this. Also, it gives him a tough look. I do prefer his normal look though. 

I think Bride of Chucky is a fun movie. but don't compare it to the Child's Play movies. It's definitely different. I think not everybody will like this movie. It's definitely not a good movie, but it can be enjoyable to watch.

My personal rate: 6/10

Friday, 5 June 2015

Friday Night Screening: Killer Pussy 2004

Killer Pussy
Why Japan, why??

Well, some things just can’t be avoided. Like saying we’ll quickly check our email and we end up hours after hours looking at cat videos on YouTube, or having a blog about cheap cult classics and not end up in this certain part of questionable entertainment, so  we all knew this day would come, the day when I decide to review a porno
Although saying watching ‘Killer Pussy’ is like watching porn is like saying that watching ‘The Room’ is watching drama. If anyone actually finds this remotely arousing  then I will seriously start to question human kind as a species. Watching Japanese chicks trying to turn us on in a porno is like watching a guy with no limbs trying to get back in his wheelchair, it’s pretty funny at first, and then it just becomes painful and awkward to sit through.
But I’m exaggerating when I use that the term ‘porn’. To be fair, there’s more porn in your everyday Slasher than in this little confused horror/comedy from 2004, but since it’s from Japan, you know things are gonna get weird.

Ok, not sure if this movie even got a plot, but I’ll try to make some sort of sense of it.
Five friends go for some unknown reason in the woods when their car breaks down, and find refuge in an abandoned bunker or something.  So our “heroes”,  and since I can’t be bothered to learn their names I’ll just call them Moe desu chick, busty, whimpy, creeper and third wheel, decide to do some exploring but quickly decide to abandon that plan once the find the liquor cabinet.
One of those dumbasses strays away from the group however and gets attacked (and since it’s Japan you know that means rape) by a lesbian milf who was frozen in quarantine because she is carrying a deadly and hilarious parasite in her cooch. Before you can say ‘tentacle’ the parasite finds a new home and goes on a rampage on the group of now drunk and horny friends with its new c8ckhungry host.

The first 25 minutes are boring soft-core failing  attempt to get a reaction in our pants, but then sh8t gets real as the castration and the mayhem starts, gotta love the “chomp” sound effect when a d8ck gets bitten off by the killer vagina.
Yeah, told you it would get weird. But the weirdest thing about this movie is just how ridiculously incredible it is. It’s so hard to look away with all this random sh8t that gets thrown your way. I can’t believe I have to say it, but I would recommend checking it out, only for the lols and giggles.
It’s so rare that a thing appears that is so bad in every way possible, that it has to be seen to be believed. I honestly couldn’t stop laughing my a88 off during this entire movie. The acting, the story, the effects, the editing, the props, everything is just so hypnotizingly bad that it’s a masterpiece in its own rights. It’s just amazing that we live in a world where you can find a movie about a woman with teeth in her privates and goes around hunting for d8cks.
Japan, you baffle me once again, but sincerely from the rest of the world, please lay off the acid for a while, okay?

What I've learned from "Killer pussy":

- Japan is weird as f8ck
- All of your problems can be solved with a lesbian mud fight, although why is the mud so red…OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN...???!!
- Even the actors knew this porno was sh8t, they rather fap to random porn magazine they  found in an abandon building.
- Ok, I can’t believe I have to say this but no movie, no matter what the subject is, should have a scene shot from the point of view of a woman’s cooch, ok? Cinematography 101 people, no one want’s that, there aren’t people who wake up in the morning and say: ”gee, I wonder what it would be like to be a vagina”
- How to take tea bagging to a whole new level

Personal rating: 7,5/10

Critical rating: 2/10

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

The Pyramid (2014)

The Pyramid

IMDB rate: 4,7
Genre: Found-Footage, Survival
Starring: Ashley Hinshaw, Denis O'Hare, James Buckley

The Pyramid... well I actually was prepared for this one to be bad. Not only because I read some reviews about it explaining exactly how terrible it was, I actually didn't expect anything else after reading the summary:

A team of U.S. archaeologists unearths an ancient pyramid buried deep beneath the Egyptian desert. As they search the pyramid's depths, they become hopelessly lost in it's dark and endless catacombs. Searching for a way out, they become desperate to seek daylight again. They come to realize that they aren't just trapped, they are being hunted.

Why did I still watch it? First of all, I love stories about Ancient Egypt and the pyramids and stuff, second of all movies like these always give plenty of material to write about, also I haven't seen any horror movies about Ancient Egypt before so I gave this movie a shot!

People call this a found-footage (or mockumentary) movie, but to be honest that's hardly true. The movie starts out as one indeed, but for some reason it fails to keep pursuing that perspective. In fact, one second the movie is filmed with their camera, the next shot however is one from an angle that they couldn't have possibly filmed, and the shot after that turns back to their own camera again. It's kinda annoying after awhile and I think it's one of the biggest flaws in this movie. Just make a choice and choose a perspective, either one would've been fine, but just not both. A movie which combined these two perspectives well was [REC]3, where the beginning was filmed with a hand-camera and then there's a very smooth transition between that and the regular camera. Perhaps that would've been a better choice for The Pyramid as well.

The Pyramid is a very cliche movie actually, every time something was going to happen I just knew that that particular thing would happen in a few seconds. For example (spoiler!) when the tunnel to the pyramid opens, we just knew that something would hurt one or two people. It happened. When the woman started to climb to tunnel, you just knew she was going to be attacked and fall down. It was all way too obvious unfortunately. Another different sort of cliche that bothered me is the 'all men are dumb, but this strong woman will survive' cliche. I don't know but it seems some sort of new hype where this needs to keep happening.

I was actually surprised to see Denis O'Hare (American Horror Story, Dallas Buyers Club) in this movie. He's not a bad actor in my opinion so I based my tiny bit of hopes on him. Unfortunately, even he couldn't make this right again. His acting was fine though compared to the other ones, it was purely how bad the script was that made it all seem so terrible. The characters are very unlikable, their dialogues are unrealistic and everything seemed very staged. Also, the camera-guy only making witty comments is getting a bit boring as well.

This movie reminded me a bit of As Above, So Below, which wasn't such a bad movie actually compared to The Pyramid. I think the Pyramid could've been more enjoyable with a better script and some consistency in the filming style. The idea of the 'monsters' inside the Pyramid aren't too bad, they don't look too bad either, it's just that it gives a weird twist to the story itself. I wouldn't recommend wasting your time on this movie, although it is fun to see a horror movie, found footage style, that includes Ancient Egypt.

My rate: 4/10