Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Shaun of the Dead

IMDB rate: 8,0
Genre: Comedic, Zombie
Starring: Nick Frost, Simon Pegg, Kate Ashfield

It was about time that I watched one of my favorite movies again: Shaun of the Dead. I absolutely love this movie. It's brilliant, amazing acting, amazing script, great zombies and the movie is incredibly funny. Seriously, I watched this movie so many times already and I'm still not bored of it.

Shaun doesn't have a very good day, so he decides to turn his life around by getting his ex to take him back, but he times it for right in the middle of what may be a zombie apocalypse... But for him, it's an opportunity to show everyone he knows how useful he is by saving them all. All he has to do is survive... And get his ex back.

I think that Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are my favorite acting 'couple' ever. I love them even more than Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith, which says quite a lot. Individually they are great and talented actors, but together they are just excellent. Loved them together in Hot Fuzz and Paul, and I'm quite sure that The World's End will be awesome too. They just have great chemistry together that really helps understanding their connection together. 

Shaun of the Dead is certainly not a movie for everyone. I think that British humor is quite different from American humor and many people might not like it. I however, love this kind of humor. Shaun of the Dead is not typically a movie for horror lovers, I know plenty of people who don't like horror and loved this movie. For instance, I watched this movie tonight with my parents and they loved it, while they normally hate horror movies. 

The script is very good. It has a bit of comedy, zombies and romance in it, but never too much of one of these themes. The zombies are perfect, you actually have a chance of surviving with these slow ones. Like Simon Pegg himself said: "Death is not an energy drink", and this is of course true. I like zombies this way, this is my idea of how zombies are supposed to be and it's amazing that they felt the same way. Another fun thing, if you look closely you can recognize Chris Martin from Coldplay as a zombie.

My favorite scene is definitely the one where Shaun is walking -hungover- to the local shop to buy some cornetto's. The zombies are being shown very subtle and what's making it even more fun is the fact that it was filmed in one sequence.

All together, Shaun of the Dead is an amazing zombie film. In fact, it's one of the many movies that belong in my favorites list. Amazing acting, very funny people, also a very funny and good story. Brilliant camerawork and not to forget, incredibly good music!
Go watch Shaun of the Dead!

My personal rate: 9/10

Friday, 24 April 2015

Friday Night Screening: Body#19 2007

waiter, there's a fetus in my soup...

I've been doing a lot of comedy lately, haven’t I? And although it’s been fun and swell, let’s tear away from this comforting zone to let ourselves be embarked on a terrifying tale.
Actual scary movies are hard to find, believe it or not. And to find one that is both scary and pretty damn good? Yeah…that’s pretty rare.
But here we are, Body#19, released in 2007 by Thai director Paween Purikitpanya. This movie might just be my favorite actual scary horror movie, the first time I saw it, coming across it by accident, I was amazed by the storytelling and twists and turns this masterpiece presented before me. But I’m getting ahead of myself, what’s Body #19, or more commonly known as ‘Body sob 19’ or simply ‘Body’ about?

Chon and his sister, a nurse working at the local hospital, found themselves renting a huge house from an unknown owner. All seems to go well until Chon begins to see questionable things crawling through the house. His sister decides to help him to unearth the mystery behind these strange sightings, but all they find is a name belonging to a woman who used to teach at the hospital. Things go from bad to worse as other people begin to fall prey to this monster that takes the form of a dismembered woman. And telling anything beyond this point would be a waste, because believe me guys, you need to see this movie for yourself.

This movie is incredibly hard to talk about because the plot holds so many mysteries and I really don’t want to spoil the fun for those watching this movie for the first time. You might think you've already got it figured out, the teacher is coming back to take vengeance on all those who wronged her as some sort of curse and Chon just so happens to live in one of the prosecuted future victims house, right? Believe it or not, if you thought something like that, you couldn't be more wrong. This entire movie is a rolled up burrito of mystery and twists till the very last second and you’ll never see them coming.
This movie needs to be seen at least twice to be fully understood, and believe me, the second watch will be a completely new experience. You’ll notice some of the expressions on the characters faces that you at first dismissed as just a little bit off to be a major plot point afterward.
But enough about the magnificent storytelling, how does the movie look? Well, pretty damn amazing, for the most parts. I’ll need to get this out of the way, the ghost/curse/grudge’s face looks…well silly for a lack of better term. Mainly the eyes that seems to be two Ping-Pong balls glued on the actress’s face. But thankfully it’s only visible in a few scenes and only when they use the practical effects, yes believe it or not, the CGI in this movie actually works and looks even better that the practical effects, never thought I’d say that.
But the effects, both practical and computer generated look amazing for such an obscure movie and fit the tone very well.
And is it scary? Well, for once yes, granted it’s not the scariest movie I've ever seen, but it did manage to give me trouble getting some sleep for a few days. That and the overall eerie and confusing tone of the film makes it an experience you won’t forget easily.
Soundtrack wise, there isn't a lot to be said except for one song that is repeated throughout the movie more that I’d cared for, but it does somehow tie in the plot so I’ll make an exception.

Even for its minor flaws, this movie is a must-see for all who can appreciate a good story that’ll keep you guessing and actual scares that work in the movie’s context. I love this movie more and more every time I watch it, and although the first view can be a bit confusing and make the movie seem like a bit of a mess at times, those who will stick with it till the very end will walk out of this movie with a smile on their faces.

Things I've learned from ‘Body#19’:
-Releasing someone from a curse is all about timing.
- Checking under your bed isn't always the safest route.
- Trucks are f8cking crazy.
- they missed a great opportunity in not having one of the museum workers scream “I BE PAKINZ BUTTREFLIES!!”, just saying.
- Also, fetus soup…

Personal rating: 9.8/10

Critical rating: 9/10

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

The Orphanage / El Orfanato (2007)

The Orphanage (El Orfanato) 

IMDB rate: 7,5
Genre: Ghost
Starring: Belén Rueda, Fernando Cayo, Roger Príncep

As you might know, or perhaps not know, The Orphanage is another one of my favorite movies. Every time I watch it I see other details which is amazing. I can not get enough of this movie. I love the fairytale elements in it. It gives an effect to this movie that you would not expect. Maybe not the scariest of them all, but definitely a very impressive movie :).

When you watch the movie for the first time, you might not completely get it. It's certainly recommendable to watch it at least two times. The movie contains two story lines. And sometimes it's hard to focus on the both of them. Many things are happening in this movie, and while you might not notice each thing in the beginning, all the pieces will fall together in the end. 

Laura, a former orphan, raises her adopted son Simon together with her husband Carlos in an old house and former orphanage where she was raised. While at the orphanage Simon tells Laura that he has five invisible friends which she believes are a product of his active imagination. Laura decides to reopen the orphanage to cater for disabled children and throws a party. During the party Simon tries to persuade Laura to go and take a look at his friends cabin but she's too busy. Later on she sees a mysterious masked boy and realizes that Simon has also disappeared. Laura feels the presence of other people in the house and months later Laura invites a team of parapsychologists to try to unravel the mystery.

I'm not sure if this movie can qualify as a horror movie. It has some ghost elements in it, but in the end I don't think many people find it a real horror movie. There are a few jump scares but not major ones. This movie contains the pretty scary but standard elements like bumping noises and scary kids with masks suddenly showing up, but at the same time it also contains modern touches, like a positive HIV test. In my opinion this movie digs a lot deeper in the story line than any other horror movie I know. Most horror movies have a pretty standard formula, and The Orphanage expanded that a lot in my opinion. The thing I liked the most about this movie was the Peter Pan elements in it. It was not the big line of the story but it was a nice small touch to it. This movie has a perfect combination between creepy and beautiful. Which seems to be a weird combination, but fits perfectly into this movie.

The acting in this movie is amazing. Belén Rueda plays the main character 'Laura', and not one moment you think her actings looks fake. While the movie contains many different elements, it all feels real. Another good acting performance was by Fernando Cayo, who plays Laura's husband Carlos and while he has not a big part in this movie, it's a real good performance. The little boy Simon is played by Roger Príncep, and he is really adorable, and for such a young kid, he's quite good in acting. I hope we'll see him again in other movies.

There are many beautiful symbolic moments in this movie. For example, at the beginning you see Carlos play all kinds of different songs on the piano, without hesitating a second. After the disappearance of Simon, he is sitting behind the piano, but he can't play anymore. I love how they well they pictured emptiness, without saying a word about it.

The Orphanages building is beautifully found, and however the interior is not actually filmed in it, you often see the exterior of the building. While it's an amazing building, it scary at the same time. It's huge but also old. When filmed inside the scary feeling becomes even stronger. It's funny that the right sound-mixing can make a 'simple' building scary. The atmosphere of this movie is very somber and that's what gives this movie it's strength. If the story didn't give you goosebumps yet, the atmosphere of the movie definitely will.

In these types of movies there is always something that doesn't fit in the puzzle. And I can understand people who don't like this movie because of the unfitting puzzle pieces. There are many different theories about these 'unfitting pieces' and while I agree with many of them, I don't want to dig deeper in a movie that I like. Personally I didn't mind it too much with this movie.

If you like ghosts movies, this is definitely the one to watch. Or perhaps, if you like puzzle movies. I've seen many reviews of people who don't like horror movies, but loved this one. I personally love this movie, and it's really one of my favorite movies ever.

My personal rate: 9,5/10

Friday, 17 April 2015

Friday Night Screening: Motorhome Massacre 2005

Motorhome Massacre
Because “trailer park of horror” was already taken

What do you get if you give a redneck a camcorder?
You mean apart from the tons of hilarious videos of them doing stupid sh8t as a result of their intoxication on tasteless scotch? Well, there’s also the fact that one of them might get the idea stuck  in his thick head that he wants to make a movie. And thus, we end up with Motor Home Massacre. I’m sure the stereotypical redneck is highly exaggerate, but movies like these keep slapping me in the face with the cold hard fact that they just might be all too true.

Brought to us in 2005 by an amateur movie director Allan Wilbanks, this shot on crackmera violent schmuck flew right under the radar for, well, more than obvious reasons.
Seeing from the title, an obvious parody of a much better movie, it will come as no surprise that this movie takes itself as seriously as Charles Mason giving Ed Gain a piggy back ride on a peace rally.
But what else can be said about this one and a half hours’ worth of brain cells holocaust?
Well, quite a lot actually.

Seven teenagers decide to take a motorhome to the middle of nowhere and have a good time, little do they know that they are about to embark in a tale filled with every single cliché in the book, creepy store clerk telling them about a horrible series of murders in the area, check, picking up an hitchhiker along the way, check, dumb blonds getting what’s coming to them, check.
Yes, the group gets harassed by an unknown killer, who picks them up one by one and kills them in brutal and cheesy ways, but the real question is: what did you expect from a movie called ‘motor home massacre’? You know it’s a bunch of idiots in a motorhome getting Jason-Voorhees’D.

So is this movie any good? Well the short answer would be no, the long answer would be that this movie doesn’t just fail as a horror, but also as a parody, which is a shame really. They had all the cliches, all the cheesy effects, but they just didn’t use them to their advantage, only one scene of five seconds made me laugh near the end throughout the entire movie, and it was all based on a guy looking down at his newly found amputation and saying “damn” with such nonchalance like he just had stepped in a dog turd on his way to the mall.
But apart from that one scene, nothing really stands out, all the actors seems to have gone to the Nic Cage school of acting, which sounds pretty cool, but it really works on your nerves after a while.
The effects were okay, if noting a little cheap, but then again, we’re talking about motor home massacre here.
And now the soundtrack, oh god the soundtrack. I swear to god, if I ever hear the song ‘Truck lovin’man’ one more time I’m gonna personally find whoever decided to put this wretched thing in any motion picture and shove my foot so far up his a** he’ll be shitting boots for the rest of his life.
Apart from that horrid song, the rest of the soundtrack sounds like a emo band trying to slit their wrists with their instruments. Well, that’s what I thought of the soundtrack until the mother of all misplaced great song found its way into this little mess of a movie. Skin-dropped by buttonhook(the first credit song), my god does that gem of a song have nothing to do in a movie like this, unfortunately due to the failure of this movie’s success, that song and that band are harder to find than Shaq’s movie career.
So is this movie worth watching? Probably not, unless if you’re into awkward sex scenes and kindergarten-level dialogue.

Personal rating: 4/10

Critical rating: 3/10

Things I've learned from "Motor home massacre":
- Dating someone who has the voice of Satan might not have been a good idea in hindsight.
- The cops are d8cks in this movie, forcing a group of teenagers to stay in the same woods where there has been a murder? Why not give them giant neon signs with “fresh meat” on them while you’re at it.
- Slasher killers are the best mechanics 

Tuesday, 14 April 2015


Well, I’m an horrible friend. Turns out I kinda forgot a very special date, Mel’s birthday. But I’ll make it up with enough vodka shots with the lady of the hour to forget her next birthday! Didn’t help either that she fled to Germany so I couldn’t congratulate her, but when all is said, I am glad to be her friend and wish her the best day ever for this great celebration :D
Party hardy 

To Mel, one of my dearest and oldest friend, watching bad movies with someone has never been more fun.

P.S: prepare your liver for the post-birthday party :D

Clown (2014)


IMDB rate: 5,7
Genre: Clown, Slasher
Starring: Laura Allen, Andy Powers, Peter Stormare

Now this is something I've waited ages for, a decent movie about killer clowns. Ever since I was little I've been scared to death for clowns, but I still hadn't seen a decent movie about clowns. Sure, there is It, but that clown turned out to be an alien spider something, and I didn't really find it scary either. There's Stitches but I honestly thought that was a pretty shitty movie. There is also this awesome clown scene in the movie Amusement, but unfortunately that was only one scene and the rest of the movie turned out shitty anyway.

Here's what Clown is about:
A loving father finds a clown suit for his son's birthday party, only to realize the suit is part of an evil curse that turns its killer into a killer.

Clown is based on a short fan movie that was once made, and people seemed to like it so much Eli Roth decided to turn it into a movie. Oh wait, did I forget to mention Eli Roth produced Clown? I know that many people dislike Eli Roth, but honestly I don't think he's too bad. Perhaps Cabin Fever wasn't the best movie around, but I can't say I hated it butt-loads. Besides, I kinda liked Hostel.

The movie might have a bit of a strange concept of a suit that turns it wearer into a killer, but honestly what else might turn a human into a clown-suit wearing killer? The curse is a nice story for it I think, it's definitely a better story than the standard reason why some characters become mass-murderers. Besides, I was already very happy that there was finally a full clown movie that's actually decent and somewhat scary.

You might've noticed my phrasing there when I said that it was 'decent'. It really is a decent movie, I can't say this is a incredible movie with many new ideas and insights, but it's just a nice and decent slasher. I think this is one of the few slashers in the last couple of years that actually tries to be original and actually somewhat succeeds at that, so that's already quite the head start for Clown.

The make-up is done very well in this movie, at first when the plastic nose is stuck to Kent and his wife rips it off - ouch, that looked quite painful. The transformation of Kent is looking awesome as well, at first he just starts to look a bit messed up, but when his transformation is finally done he is looking very scary I think. Perhaps one of the scariest clowns I have ever seen. The gore is pretty awesome as well, ripped off children bodies, brains splashing around, and lots, lots of blood!

Decent acting, Andy Powers did a fine job as the fucked up clown. Laura Ellen played okay as well, by the way - how much is she looking like Malin Akerman?! I was convinced at first it was Malin Akerman instead of Laura Ellen. Of course there's also a small (tiny) role for Eli Roth as a clown, really only for a second he shows up though.

I thought Clown was a fine and nice movie, it had some great gore and nice looking make-up. The acting was decent and overall I thought this was a nice slasher. I'm also very happy that finally there has been released a good murdering Clown movie because that has been ages since I've seen one. Clown is a hundred times better than Stitches, even though Stitches tries to be funny (and fails at it) and Clown is more a serious type of movie (as far as Clown murdering movies can go serious). Even if you're not a fan of Eli Roth, I suggest giving Clown a watch, I definitely had fun watching it.

My rate: 6,5/10

Friday, 10 April 2015

Friday Night Screening: The Refrigerator 1991

The Refrigerator
Attack of the kitchen appliances from hell

You know those movies, where the name and the premise is half the fun? Like killer klown from outer space or return of the killer tomatoes?
Yeah, so here’s a movie about a killer fridge from hell, do with that information whatever you want.

Released in 1991, this weird thing I’m unsure to call a movie or a bad joke someone made on a late Saturday night after a whiskey intoxication, is brought to us by Nicholas Jacobs, who unfortunately never really did anything else worthwhile.
A movie about a killer fridge, *sight* seems like just yesterday that I used to review normal movies…wait, I never did review a movie based on any plane of normality, why am I complaining??

Ilene and Michael Bateman (not sure if it’s a reference to the book American Psycho, seen as it was published in the same year this movie came out), a young and ambitious couple decide to buy a place in the less rat infested parts of new York, little do they know that their refrigerator has a minor case of the satanz and goes around munching on unimportant extra’s during it’s free time.
But it seems Michael is getting more and more willing to listen to the little people living in his fridge telling him to kill his wife as the movie goes on, and yes, I wish I could make sh8t like this up as I go along. But thankfully, Ilene gets help from the greatest man alive, Super-plumber Juan, who with his pornstash and epic dancing skills manages to even give Bruce Campbell a run for his money. My god is that man awesome.

So what is there to say about this movie? Besides that it’s about a fridge that goes ballistic that is. Well, I guess you can say it’s about the fear of committing, as Ilene and Michael seem to take each other for granted and their relationship slowly start to break down to the simple factor of mistrust, or you could say it’s about a GODDAMN KILLER FRIDGE FROM HELL THAT EATS PEOPLE.
Seriously, do I need to say more? People, there is a motion picture in which a refrigerator eats a man whole by comically opening and shutting it’s door.
I guess I could talk about the needless dialogue or the plot that gets crammed in there too tight like it’s trying to overshadow the killer fridge, like the constant flashbacks from Ilene about her youth that ends up going, guess where? Nowhere at all of course!
I mean we get scenes upon scenes of her childhood trauma that all ends up in a big fat cry and f8ck all else. No character motivation, just the super plumber and his unusual good people skills (I’m serious, I can’t find a single flaw with this guy).
But there are some great scenes, I’ll give this cheap movie that much, there is a scene that just might be the best moment in cinematography of all time. I mean really, how can you even start to top a scene in which a depressed workaholic husband wakes up in the middle of the night with a smile that would put the Cheshire cat to shame just to say: “I am the wafflemaker”
I tip my hat off to you “The Refrigerator”, you have out random’d me mister, may the blessing of the great space homophobic squirrel lord go with you.
But all joking aside, this movie is silly, really silly. Maybe not in the way that 'Robo-Geisha' is silly in a self-acknowledged way, but more based on the premise, while the movie tries it’s darn hardest to pass a serious story about a troubled, falling apart couple that just so happen to have a killer doorway to hell located in their fridge, and also the best plumber I’ve ever seen, seriously, I can’t get over this guy, I think I have a bro-crush.

Death by fridge, now I've seen everything
So should you watch this movie?
Yes, as a matter of fact, you owe it to yourself to see this movie, simply because you’ll then be able to brag to your friends that you've seen everything. But really, it’s kinda slow and a lot of story goes nowhere, but at least you’ll see a guy gets eaten by a fridge, that’s something I guess.

Things I’ve learned from “The refrigerator”:
- I knew living in New York was tough, but damn.
- Good names don’t make good movies
- Plumbers are awesome, Bonus points for the mustache
- When little people inside you fridge start telling you how to live your life, it’s time to put down the waffle maker belt and seek some help.
- Can’t wait for “The mixer of doom” or “The little toaster massacre"

Personal rating: 6.5/10

Critical rating: 4.5/10

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

The Cabin in the Woods

IMDB rate: 7,1
Genre: Supernatural
Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Fran Kranz, Richard Jenkins

The Cabin in the Woods is easily one of the best movies made in the last couple of years. I remember sitting in the cinema because there was such a big hype about this movie, and I thought at the first half of the movie "for real, this is it? As if we haven't seen this a million times before already", but then the second half happened, and I had to take my words back because boy, was I wrong. 

Some people are complaining about some similarities between Cabin in the Woods and The Evil Dead. I have to disagree with them. Sure, there are some tiny similarities between both of them, but if you look closely into Cabin in the Woods, you recognize a lot of other horror movies too. The beauty with this movie is that it contains some elements of other amazing horror movies, without it being too obvious or annoying. And just be honest, did anyone expected that ending?

Five teenagers head off for a weekend at a secluded cabin in the woods. They arrive to find they are quite isolated with no means of communicating with the outside world. When the cellar door flings itself open, they go down to investigate. They find an odd assortment of relics and curios but when on one the women, Dana, reads from a book she awakens a family of deadly zombie killers There's far more going on however than meets the eye as the five campers are all under observation.

When I first watched this movie in the cinema, I was bored as hell the first 30 (?) minutes. As many other people  I thought it would be another cliche horror movie, and I almost wanted to leave. Luckily my boyfriend convinced me to stay, and well, I loved it. My friend, a fellow horror lover saw this movie for the first time last weekend, and he also thought he could predict how everything would end, boy, was he surprised when he was wrong. My point is, I think we all thought we could guess how it will end, it which order the people would die and such. Maybe a few people knew that it would end this way, but I don't think that would have been many. 
It has been a long time since a fairly recent horror movie entertained me. This movie finally changed that. I didn't find it a scary movie, but it was build up amazing, with some comedy in it, and some horror creatures from everybody's nightmares. I think this was a movie I've been waiting for, for a long time. Joss Whedon previously entertained me with other movies, or television shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But I have to say that he have outdone himself with this movie.

I love the cast of this movie. When this movie was made in 2009, nobody was really well known yet. You might have spotted Fran Kranz in The Village, but that's about it. Of course, this movie was not released until 2012. In this period of time Chris Hemsworth became a very popular actor. I think that  Chris Hemsworth's popularity contributed a bit to The Cabin in the Wood's popularity. Which is not a bad thing. I enjoy Chris Hemsworth as an actor, and this role fitted him perfectly. Fran Kranz has an amazing performance in this movie. If I never saw him in other movies I would totally believe he is this stoner-weirdo type. I was not entirely sure about Kristen Connolly. Sure she is a good actress, but I found her a bit plain to be honest. She didn't entirely convince me that she was scared. Jesse Williams played his parts very well, but at first I never saw him as the 'student' type. He seemed like another hot football player to me. I guess that's why he had glasses on in the following scenes, to make it more believable. Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford have an amazing chemistry together, they made this movie fun to watch. I would love to see the two together again in another movie. All together, a great cast.  

The music is amazingly well chosen, it fitted perfectly with every single scene. Also, the dialogues... Joss Whedon has not written the best dialogues for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but in this movie it was amazing. It fitted the characters, it fitted the story. All good.

Sure, some details in those movies seem to be a bit far-fetched, and some people might get irritated by that. I don't think it was bothering though, because you can not make everything right. Look at all the terrible horror movies that have already been made, why would I look at every tiny detail in a further amazing movie? Some people are just too picky I guess. 

I would love to tell about some of the amazing things happening in this movie, but I'm afraid that I will spoil the whole movie, so I won't say anything! I saw someone say 'The less you know about The Cabin in the Woods, the better'. I'll have to agree with that, because if you know how the story will go, you won't experience the surprise of the amazing plot twist.

This movie gives a whole new look on other horror movies in my opinion. And I can only recommend this movie. But there will be many people who will tell you otherwise.
You either love it or hate it, that's the easiest explanation :).

My personal rate: 9/10

Saturday, 4 April 2015

Friday Night Screening: Teenage Caveman 2002

Teenage Caveman
There's not enough booze in the world to make me enjoy this movie...

Good god, just when you think you’ve seen the bottom of the barrel, the human stupidity just grows and spreads in the form of shameless, boring and above all, lazy pieces of feces that dares to call itself a movie. My point? Teenage Caveman, hearing that name already gives me a gag reflex.
Directed in 2002 by Larry Clark, who is mostly known for making shameless oversexed teenage drama’s. This straight to DVD sorry excuse for anything resembling a movie passed under everyone’s radar making it thankfully very obscure and pretty hard to find. Unfortunately I wasn’t lucky enough to ignore it and saw it one day in a store and looking at the cover I thought: “hey, this could be interesting”. It was only after having watched this creepy descend into a sick and disturbed pervert’s view on teenagers that I realized how god-awfully wrong I was.
How bad is it? Well, to be fair my hate probably comes more from the fact that I had high hopes after having seen the cover, which looked like one of those eighties/nineties goofy monster-on-the-loose movie about a caveman in modern times, kinda like the ‘Beer bad’ episode from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Unfortunately, my hopes were shattered in the very first minute of the movie. Wanna know what this movie is really about?

The story centers around a small group of teenagers in a post-apocalyptic world, why did they survive? How did the world end? Was there a nuclear war? We don’t know! dear ol’Larry didn’t think this was important or interesting enough to tell us, what do we get instead of an explanation? People living like caveman in tribes, oh wait, religious tribes! Even better, now the chief of the tribe can justify raping and pedophilia with the never failing argument “God wants it” Not kidding, that actually happens in like the first ten minutes, damn this movie is pissing me off already, and we haven’t even talked about the main ‘characters’.
So getting back on track, the son of the chief decides that he is sick and tired of this sh*t just as much as I am and murders his scumbag father and leaves with his retarded posy to find a new place to kick it. But the fellowship of degenerated idiots don’t get too far gets abducted by two new characterswho are more flamboyant than the whole crew of Saterday Night Fever put together, as directed by Joel Schumacher. They then bring the lost and confused group to their lair located in the city where technology has advanced normally but the dress-code hasn’t. The group doesn’t have much time to marvel at the technology surrounding them that they realize their host’s intention: doing coke, sexing it up and party like it’s 1999. But after a while some of the group’s members start disappearing or blowing up for no reason whatsoever. They quickly realize that something is wrong but their hosts don’t seem to yield with their request to leave, and let them in on a little secret that is so stupid and forced that it will blow your mind.

If you couldn’t tell already, I really didn’t like this one. Maybe because the story makes no sense whatsoever, but mainly because this movie is just so boring… it’s written lazily, the acting’s horrendous and there is simply no quality to it. Don’t get me wrong, I like bad movies, hell, I love them. Movies like ‘The Room’ or even ‘Killer Pussy’ always amaze me with their badness and simple goofiness, however, I can’t stand it when a movie bores me. And that’s exactly what ‘Teenage Caveman’ did, it bored me to death, it really became a chore to sit through. Nothing happened for a good chunk of the movie, and when it did, it was so stupid that it just annoyed me.
The only redeeming factor to this entire movie might be Neil, played by Richard Hillman. The guy was having so much fun with the role it was hard not to chuckle every once in a while. The dude was quite literally munching the scenery (not kidding, at some point he actually does).
But was that Nicolas cage style of acting enough to save the movie? Hells no.
The effects are bad, the acting’s bad, the story is boring, there is an ridiculous amount of out-of-nowhere nudity that adds nothing to the movie except to prove my point that Larry Clark is a sick disturbed pervert, every technique that the movie throws at us in a feeble attempt to be ‘artsy’ fails horribly, everything I can think of makes this movie a huge waste of time.
The only reason I can think of why this movie had been made, is because it was originally meant to be a porno, but when they realized that most of their actors were underage they ended up with a soft core half-baked and lazy mess of a train wreck.
I honestly can’t recommend this movie to anyone, it’s a buried mess, and let’s hope that it stays that way. Stay away from this one folks, trust me.
Things Teenage caveman can teach us:
-It seems they still have punk rock in the future, unfortunately they also have idiots who sing along.
- An Emo wolverine would look pretty stupid.
- It is possible to actually become stupider by watching a movie, believe me, I had a hard time remembering my name after this mess.
- Downing a bottle of scotch in 15 seconds...kudo's

Personal rating: 2/10

Critical rating: 3/10