Friday, 12 June 2015

Friday Night Screening: Teeth 2007

Teeth
The return of the killer snatch

Come on…?! Another one??Again with the killer vaginas?
Yes, it would seem there aren’t enough movies to scare us to death about the female genitals, after “Killer Pussy”, someone thought it would be a great idea to get an American version over the sea, that guy would be Mitchell Lichtenstein and said movie would be no other that the 2007 "Teeth", because F8ck it, there can never be enough movies about killer vaginas.
Although, unlike it’s Japanese cousin “Killer Pussy”, which was a straight up goofy comedy soft core porno ( see my review on that infamous little mess here), I can give “Teeth” the credit for actually trying to tell a good story, despite the fact that it’s at its hearth still somewhat of a comedy




The story revolve around Dawn, a nice little high school girl with somewhat of an unusual problem.
She has vowed abstinence with her group of Glee rejects, oh, and her snatch has a nasty case of the munchies, and given that the damn thing has a pretty good set of teeth, I’m fairly certain this movie’s gonna get interesting.
Why does she have a set of razor sharp teeth in her privates? It’s never really explained, although the constant shots of the huge nuclear reactors behind her house might mean something, who knows?
So Dawn goes on with her poor little abstinent life with constant temptations and advances from her creepy half-brother. Yes, it seems the premise is not the only thing that Teeth shares with its predecessor, they also have a character in common, seems that Creeper from killer pussy has a long lost brother in America, who knew? Not kidding, they’re practically the same guys character-wise, except that we spend more time with the brother to realize how much of a d8ck he is.

So, personal thoughts on this movie? Surprisingly I liked it. Yeah, go figure, me liking a movie about killer genitals, who knew?
But seriously, if you can put the ridiculousness of the premise behind you, you’ll find a pretty subtle and good comedy/horror. The pace was pretty good, except for the first few scenes that talked about god and purity and bla bla bla, we’ll get to that later, but for the rest, pretty good.
The characters were far less two-dimensional that I expected and had actually emotions and were able to emote them without having it feeling forced. A scene where the acting and the dialogue really amazed me was in the third act of the movie, after the father and the son had a fight and end up talking, the tension and the dialogue were there, and it is a hearth touching scene where the brother, instead of being a major d8ck like usual, actually opens up despite being in utter and complete control of the situation, and we get a creepy and honest revelation to why his character is so tormented inside. It’s pretty amazing if a movie can make me feel sorry, even for a microsecond, for such a despicable and cruel character as American Creeper.
But for all the good this movie does in the second and third act, my god was the first one a drag.
Preachy as hell, just enough to make you wonder whether they were parodying the whole ‘purity ring’ and all that religious nonsense or if they were serious. Here the thing though: I don’t have a problem with people who want to wait until the wedding to give in, hell, if it makes them happy, go for it, see if I care. However, this whole purity ring campaign bullcr8p and the religious aspect just manage to press the wrong buttons with me. And throughout the entire movie, Dawn never seems to get rid of her anti sex t-shirt, now granted, it’s pretty ironic given her condition. But the first act doesn’t focus on that how so ever. So it’s pretty easy to forget the whole ‘Killer in the pants’ thing and just watch two hyper religious teens giving each other lovely eyes and talking about how awesome god is and how evil sex is, which really drags on and on and on and on…
Thankfully the accidental castrations break in like trumpets to a fanfare to welcome the second act, but until then, useless teenage drama, the worse kind. What I’m trying to say with this, is that being abstinent and believing in god is like having a d8ck, it’s great to have one and it’s great to be proud of it, but please, don’t shove it in our face, k?
The editing is also really weird, I know it’s a weird thing to bring up in a movie about a killer box, but it was one of those few things that really bugged me with this movie. Some scenes would go nowhere and characters would show up at places at random without any explanations.
But with all this aside, great movie, although it could have been a little less graphic on the castrations in my opinion, I’ve seen BME Pain Olympics, and I must say that Teeth wasn’t far off. Pretty painful to watch at some points even, might I add (for a guy).

"Killer pussy" 's creeper's long lost brother

So here’s the big question, which is better? “Teeth” or “Killer Pussy”?
Well “Teeth” is a ok movie that I genuinely enjoyed about a girl trying to find a way to overcome her problem, “Killer pussy” was bat sh8t insane and had me laughing my ass off for all the wrong reasons.
So which is better? Teeth. Which is funnier? “Killer pussy”. Pick your poison. All I’m afraid of is when the darn things will learn to talk, now THAT will be terrifying…(Obvious foreshadowing is obvious)


Things I’ve learned from “Teeth”:
- America is weird as f8ck
- I never want to be a gynecologist, it’s like the ‘Killer vagina movie’ equivalent to a black guy in a horror movie…
- Both Japanese and American creepers got the same resolutions in both movie…weird
- The line between being a hero and being a d8ck is very thin.



Personal rating:
6.5/10

Critical rating:

5.8/10

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Bride of Chucky (1998)

Bride of Chucky 
IMDB rate: 5,2
Genre: Slasher, Comedic

To be honest, Bride of Chucky was the very first Chucky movie I've ever seen. Not so strange since I was not even born when the first three came out. For me this was how Chucky looked like but of course, at that time I had not seen Child's Play yet. I think Bride of Chucky is a funny movie. Not really scary but it's a nice movie to watch. It's not really good but for a comedic movie I think it's go-able (is that even a word?). Anyway, since I saw the first Child's Play movie I of course realized that that is the real Chucky and I liked Child's Play a lot more than Bride of Chucky. 


Serial killer Charles Lee Ray is back! This time his girlfriend Tiffany has revived him, once again in the form of the popular "Chucky" doll. Shortly after the "happy" couples reunion, Chucky kills her and brings her back in the form of a girl's bridal doll. The two then embark on a killing spree en route to dig up Ray's corpse, which was buried with a Satanic voodoo charm capable of bringing back the dead.

First of all, I've always liked the music in the Bride of Chucky and Seed of Chucky movies. It's very fitting for the movie I think. I also like the comedic twist on Chucky, you learn a lot more about his personality. Even though the movie is not very good I like watching it. I must admit though that I have seen the movie too much, so that's why I don't really enjoy it anymore. I do remember that I loved it the first time I watched it, mainly because I was terrified of dolls and a combination of comedy and something terrifying is kinda cool I guess. I'm not a big fan of Seed of Chucky though, it's not funny or scary and the Glen/Glenda doll is kinda lame. 


I like the references to other horror movies, Hellraiser, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and every other horror legend can be found somehow in this movie. I also liked Jennifer Tilly as Tiffany, her voice is annoying but also has something seducing. I don't know. She's not a very good actress but it's not very bothering in this movie, since it's not a very serious movie. 

I don't mind Chucky's look in the movie, it's very believable since the guy has been blown up/cut up or whatever for a million times already so it's logical he looks like this. Also, it gives him a tough look. I do prefer his normal look though. 


I think Bride of Chucky is a fun movie. but don't compare it to the Child's Play movies. It's definitely different. I think not everybody will like this movie. It's definitely not a good movie, but it can be enjoyable to watch.

My personal rate: 6/10

Friday, 5 June 2015

Friday Night Screening: Killer Pussy 2004

Killer Pussy
Why Japan, why??

Well, some things just can’t be avoided. Like saying we’ll quickly check our email and we end up hours after hours looking at cat videos on YouTube, or having a blog about cheap cult classics and not end up in this certain part of questionable entertainment, so  we all knew this day would come, the day when I decide to review a porno
Although saying watching ‘Killer Pussy’ is like watching porn is like saying that watching ‘The Room’ is watching drama. If anyone actually finds this remotely arousing  then I will seriously start to question human kind as a species. Watching Japanese chicks trying to turn us on in a porno is like watching a guy with no limbs trying to get back in his wheelchair, it’s pretty funny at first, and then it just becomes painful and awkward to sit through.
But I’m exaggerating when I use that the term ‘porn’. To be fair, there’s more porn in your everyday Slasher than in this little confused horror/comedy from 2004, but since it’s from Japan, you know things are gonna get weird.

Ok, not sure if this movie even got a plot, but I’ll try to make some sort of sense of it.
Five friends go for some unknown reason in the woods when their car breaks down, and find refuge in an abandoned bunker or something.  So our “heroes”,  and since I can’t be bothered to learn their names I’ll just call them Moe desu chick, busty, whimpy, creeper and third wheel, decide to do some exploring but quickly decide to abandon that plan once the find the liquor cabinet.
One of those dumbasses strays away from the group however and gets attacked (and since it’s Japan you know that means rape) by a lesbian milf who was frozen in quarantine because she is carrying a deadly and hilarious parasite in her cooch. Before you can say ‘tentacle’ the parasite finds a new home and goes on a rampage on the group of now drunk and horny friends with its new c8ckhungry host.

The first 25 minutes are boring soft-core failing  attempt to get a reaction in our pants, but then sh8t gets real as the castration and the mayhem starts, gotta love the “chomp” sound effect when a d8ck gets bitten off by the killer vagina.
Yeah, told you it would get weird. But the weirdest thing about this movie is just how ridiculously incredible it is. It’s so hard to look away with all this random sh8t that gets thrown your way. I can’t believe I have to say it, but I would recommend checking it out, only for the lols and giggles.
It’s so rare that a thing appears that is so bad in every way possible, that it has to be seen to be believed. I honestly couldn’t stop laughing my a88 off during this entire movie. The acting, the story, the effects, the editing, the props, everything is just so hypnotizingly bad that it’s a masterpiece in its own rights. It’s just amazing that we live in a world where you can find a movie about a woman with teeth in her privates and goes around hunting for d8cks.
Japan, you baffle me once again, but sincerely from the rest of the world, please lay off the acid for a while, okay?


What I've learned from "Killer pussy":

- Japan is weird as f8ck
- All of your problems can be solved with a lesbian mud fight, although why is the mud so red…OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN...???!!
- Even the actors knew this porno was sh8t, they rather fap to random porn magazine they  found in an abandon building.
- Ok, I can’t believe I have to say this but no movie, no matter what the subject is, should have a scene shot from the point of view of a woman’s cooch, ok? Cinematography 101 people, no one want’s that, there aren’t people who wake up in the morning and say: ”gee, I wonder what it would be like to be a vagina”
- How to take tea bagging to a whole new level


Personal rating: 7,5/10

Critical rating: 2/10

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

The Pyramid (2014)

The Pyramid

IMDB rate: 4,7
Genre: Found-Footage, Survival
Starring: Ashley Hinshaw, Denis O'Hare, James Buckley

The Pyramid... well I actually was prepared for this one to be bad. Not only because I read some reviews about it explaining exactly how terrible it was, I actually didn't expect anything else after reading the summary:

A team of U.S. archaeologists unearths an ancient pyramid buried deep beneath the Egyptian desert. As they search the pyramid's depths, they become hopelessly lost in it's dark and endless catacombs. Searching for a way out, they become desperate to seek daylight again. They come to realize that they aren't just trapped, they are being hunted.

Why did I still watch it? First of all, I love stories about Ancient Egypt and the pyramids and stuff, second of all movies like these always give plenty of material to write about, also I haven't seen any horror movies about Ancient Egypt before so I gave this movie a shot!


People call this a found-footage (or mockumentary) movie, but to be honest that's hardly true. The movie starts out as one indeed, but for some reason it fails to keep pursuing that perspective. In fact, one second the movie is filmed with their camera, the next shot however is one from an angle that they couldn't have possibly filmed, and the shot after that turns back to their own camera again. It's kinda annoying after awhile and I think it's one of the biggest flaws in this movie. Just make a choice and choose a perspective, either one would've been fine, but just not both. A movie which combined these two perspectives well was [REC]3, where the beginning was filmed with a hand-camera and then there's a very smooth transition between that and the regular camera. Perhaps that would've been a better choice for The Pyramid as well.

The Pyramid is a very cliche movie actually, every time something was going to happen I just knew that that particular thing would happen in a few seconds. For example (spoiler!) when the tunnel to the pyramid opens, we just knew that something would hurt one or two people. It happened. When the woman started to climb to tunnel, you just knew she was going to be attacked and fall down. It was all way too obvious unfortunately. Another different sort of cliche that bothered me is the 'all men are dumb, but this strong woman will survive' cliche. I don't know but it seems some sort of new hype where this needs to keep happening.


I was actually surprised to see Denis O'Hare (American Horror Story, Dallas Buyers Club) in this movie. He's not a bad actor in my opinion so I based my tiny bit of hopes on him. Unfortunately, even he couldn't make this right again. His acting was fine though compared to the other ones, it was purely how bad the script was that made it all seem so terrible. The characters are very unlikable, their dialogues are unrealistic and everything seemed very staged. Also, the camera-guy only making witty comments is getting a bit boring as well.

This movie reminded me a bit of As Above, So Below, which wasn't such a bad movie actually compared to The Pyramid. I think the Pyramid could've been more enjoyable with a better script and some consistency in the filming style. The idea of the 'monsters' inside the Pyramid aren't too bad, they don't look too bad either, it's just that it gives a weird twist to the story itself. I wouldn't recommend wasting your time on this movie, although it is fun to see a horror movie, found footage style, that includes Ancient Egypt.

My rate: 4/10

Friday, 29 May 2015

Teeth (2007)

Teeth
IMDB rate: 5,6
Genre: Comedic, Monster

Because Loan can't post something today I decided to pick one of the weird movies and post it for him, so you won't have to miss out the Friday-weirdness-review-day ;D.
Wow, some weird movie. I think this might make some guys frightened for girls huh?
I quite enjoyed watching this movie. It's funny, ridiculous and somehow frightening. That's the kind of movie that I like.
I don't really get why the rating is that low because it's really not a movie that you need to take seriously. Lighten up, Teeth is quite an enjoyable movie.


Dawn grows up in the shadow of a nuclear power plant. In high school, while her biology class studies evolution, she realizes she may have a hidden curse, an "adaption." She lives with her mom, step-father, and hard-edged step-brother. She likes Tobey, a guy at school, and he likes her. She takes a pledge to remain chaste until marriage, so they date in groups, watch G-rated films, and don't kiss, but the power of teen hormones is great, so temptation beckons. Dawn has an admirer in Ryan, and when things have an unexpected twist with Tobey, she turns to Ryan for help. Will he be her mythical hero and rescue her? or can she find her way as her own hero, turning the curse into an asset?

I think Teeth is a very funny movie. It's not a movie that's so-bad-it's-good, it's really good. The movie also actually tells a story. It's a movie that's basically about a killer-vagina, how can that ever be good, you ask? Well, that might be quite hard to reach. But, this movie actually does it. It's very subtle humor, but also with a good twist of horror.
The characters are quite believable. Some girl that saves her body for marriage fails miserably because of her teen hormones. Not very strange. Also, guys who have too much hormones, not very strange either. These characters actually have dimension in them, even though it's quite hard to believe.


I think this movie might be quite hard to watch for some guys. I know that some guys even react themselves when they see that someone else gets kicked into his nuts. So imagine what happens when it's all being bitten off in the heat of the moment...
It's pretty disturbing, even though you don't see much of it.

Teeth is quite an original movie. It's a teen-flick with some nastiness in it. When you know the deal about this movie the surprise is a bit gone. From then on it's mainly about a teen girl trying to overcome her problems and casually bites a penis off once in a while.

Now for the guys, here's a fun link for you!


I remember the first time I saw this movie, and I just had one big WTF-moment. I found it a very funny but very weird movie. And to be honest, it still hasn't changed. I do enjoy watching this movie though. It's very original, with decent acting and a good storyline. I definitely recommend watching this movie.

My personal rate: 7,5/10

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Dark Skies (2013)

Dark Skies

IMDB rate: 6,3
Genre: Science-Fiction
Starring: Keri Russell, Josh Hamilton, J.K. Simmons

Finally! Another 2013 movie! I'm finally catching up a bit with all these amazing movies made this year. And believe me, 2013 is a good horror year this far! Normally there is only one good -or reasonable- movie brought out in a year, but this year has brought us a lot more! Well, I won't continue talking about that, because this is only a review about one movie: Dark Skies. I saw the trailer of this movie in the beginning of the year and I've wanted to see it but I never got around watching it. The trailer looked cool, but well, from my experience when a trailer is cool, the movie most likely isn't. So I never really bothered watching it because I assumed it wasn't very good. 
Now, I finally saw it and I must say that I'm quite impressed by it!


As the Barret family's peaceful suburban life is rocked by an escalating series of disturbing events, they come to learn that a terrifying and deadly force is after them.

When I first saw the trailer I expected some sort of haunted house movie, perhaps with ghosts and stuff like that, I had no idea that it was about aliens! I'm not a big fan of Science-fiction movies but like I already said, I quite liked this one. 

Dark Skies is from the same producers as Insidious and Paranormal Activity, I quite liked the first and second PA but I disliked Insidious a lot, but now I've seen Dark Skies I'm convinced that this one is better than either of those movies.  
There are certainly a few elements from those movies in Dark Skies, for example the videocameras in the rooms, waking up in the middle of the night standing in the garden and some more stuff like that, but while it had similar stuff going on, it never looked too much like each other. 


The happenings started out really small, it seemed more like a prank than a treat. When days went by, these pranks turned a lot more serious. I actually got goosebumps while watching it, because there was so much tension in the movie. I loved it! 

We don't get to see these aliens until one of the last scenes. We didn't get a clear look but they looked quite scary from what I could see. In one scene we see one walking behind one of the characters, at first I didn't notice, but when I did... holy shit, I must admit that it did scare me for a second.

The acting is very good. I think Keri Russell is an amazing actress (I loved her so much in August Rush) and I wasn't sure how she would be in a horror movie, but again, she didn't fail to amaze me! I'm not really familiar with Josh Hamilton but he was excellent too. The kids acted reasonable, the little kid was adorable but I wasn't too sure of his acting. The older kid was decent too. 

The only thing that bothered me a lot was the same old horror mistake; people seem to forget that they have lamps in their homes. The alarm goes off, and those people ran downstairs to search the house, IN THE DARK. Some other weird stuff is going on, let's investigate again, IN THE DARK. I'm sorry but are all basic instincts lost when you're scared? Are we suddenly able to see incredibly good in the dark while we're in a rush? I'm sorry but it's so bothering that people in movies don't turn on the lights. 


Overall, I liked this movie quite a bit. It surprised me a lot! I really recommend watching this movie because I thought it was an amazing science-fiction/horror movie. Great acting, great scares and a great story! Honestly, I'm hoping for a sequel because the ending left me frightened!

My personal rate: 8/10

Friday, 22 May 2015

Friday Night Screening: Rabid Grannies 1988

Rabid Grannies
The Belgium grandma massacre


You just know that with a title like this, this one’s gonna get interesting. We’ve seen robo-geisha’s, plenty ‘o brain devouring undead and even killer festivities, but the day we’d be looking at a movie in which two grannies possessed by the goddamn devil go on a rampage was a long time coming.
I actually picked this movie up in my favorite second-hand store filled to the brim with movies right into my alley for two reasons. One was obviously the title, but the second was the name that was shamelessly plastered all over the dvd-case: Iloyd Kaufman. For those living under a rock, or actually go outside and have a life, Kaufman is the mind behind TROMA, a company known for some pretty amazing stuff including ‘Surf nazis must die!’ and ‘The toxic avenger’ (for those who still have no idea what I’m on about, he was the guy that cameo’d in JamesGunns’s ‘Guardian of the Galaxy’). Needless to say I’m a fan, so picking it up I hoped this little gem would turn out to be one of Kaufman’s lovechild.  But as it turned out, ‘Rabid Grannies’ was only distributed by TROMA in the United States, but well, it’s still a pretty entertaining flick despite that.

The story is pretty self-explanatory, a family of unlikable asshats attend to the birthday of their rich grandmothers. Every member of the family, knowing the two sweet old ladies won’t be around for much longer, has one goal and one goal only, getting the best spot on the will. Now that would be awful and despicable enough, if the black sheep of the family, a satanic murderer, didn’t send his own gift in the form of a McGuffin that turns the two grannies into demonic possessed nightmares feeding on flesh. As the limbs start flying around it’s up to the family members to survive and show their true colors, be it cowards, heroes in disguise, awful human beings or soon to be lunch.

I actually like this movie, but seeing as it was distributed by TROMA that shouldn’t surprise anyone. The premise is silly enough  to hold the movie pretty well. It’s the first Belgium horror movie I’ve seen and I gotta say, I like the cut of their jibs. Who knew that the Canada of Europe had a pretty good B-movie camp style. The effects are pretty entertaining as well, some pretty outrageous silly stunts performed at the transformation had me laughing pretty damn hard, and although the quality dropped as the movie went on, I still greatly enjoyed what it had to offer. The fact that the victims were a such an unlikable, backhanded, two-faced bunch made it all the more enjoyable when they got their comeuppance. But here we come to one of my problems with the film, at times it seemed to be just a tad bit too cruel to some of the more likable asshats turned heroes. And there is one scene that took me by surprise and I believe they might have crossed the line by a mile on that one. If you’ve seen the movie you probably know what scene I’m talking about, but in case you haven’t, let’s just say the movie went from crazy fun pool party to little jimmy drowned at the bottom cuz the lifeguard was getting his pole polished behind the parking lot by the one legged hooker. There are lines you don’t cross unless you’re willing to approached it with some decency and maturity.
Another thing that bugged me was the non-existent clarity on the grannies’ powers. They are both possessed by demons, so their powers are pretty much changing reality to their wishes. So in theory the movie should be over in less than ten minutes, the only weakness they seemed to have is that the chapel and other houses of god were off-limits.  For the rest, they can pretty much do anything they want. With Freddy Kreuger for example, he can control the reality to his whims but only in the dream world, and only if you’re scared enough of him, otherwise he doesn’t have enough power, so it’s logical for him to toy with his victims to accumulate the fear needed to kill them off, and also the fact that he gets off on that sh*t but that’s a story for another therapy session. The two grannies in this movie seem to do it for the lulz and go with a pretty lazy aptitude about the whole thing. Leading to their unavoidable demise portraying them as kind of a duo of dumbasses.

This movie is entertaining and will leave you with a smile on your face if you have the same kind of humor as me. Apart from one scene and a few minor details I’d say, give it a watch, it ain’t no masterpiece but it’s pretty damn fun.


 Things I've learned from "Rabid Grannies"
- Damn Grandma, u scary
- Hearing the French speaking actors trying to spew English lines was probably one of the more entertain things about this flick.
- It's in moments like these that you realise you're screwed if your priest isn't the kung fu badass from Braindead/Dead-Alive



Personal rating: 6,5
Critical rating: 5